She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You know, be my cock's hype man.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?