Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.