Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
