There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
