Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
