I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
