I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
