Small penises have feelings too.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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