I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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