we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
