I just threw up on my dentist
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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