someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I need to stop coming to work sober
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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