who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
