I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
