I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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