Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
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The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
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All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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