My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
