I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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