Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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