you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
birth control should be required to get into college
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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