I can't watch pbs sober anymore
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
