There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
