Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
