I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
