just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
