my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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