worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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