I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
