Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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