The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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