You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
