So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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