Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
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No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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