If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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