please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I can't put those talents on a resume
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
