Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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