The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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