im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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