sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
