My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
