They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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