Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
