the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
