gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
