Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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