He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
