Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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