If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
