I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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