i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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