there's paper in my vomit.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
