Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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