I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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