she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
