Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
