Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
